May 2013
age 11: worry about internet people finding me in real life
now: worry about people in real life finding me on the internet
(I work in a Coffee Shop. I was on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)
Me: “Oh my God! It’s BATMAN!”
(The boy stops, strikes a pose and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)
Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”
Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”
Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”
Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”
(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)
Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”
lizziemcjagger:
lizziemcjagger:
what is the most slippery country in the world
greece
familyfriendlyurl:
when i was in grade 3 our class was having a party and i brought in the shrek soundtrack and everyone loved it and the girl i had a crush on winked at me i owe everything to shrek
louistheking:
i say such sexual and inappropriate things but in reality i’m the biggest virgin you’ll ever meet
slightlysalty:
Did you know that high school students today have about the same anxiety levels as insane asylum mental patients during the 1950’s?
whorville:
I have bullshitted my way through almost two decades of life
leftforbed:
leftforbed:
mcsnuggie:
true self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn
why would the movie eat my popcorn
nevermind i get it
novoselic-grrrl:
in grade 1 i was diagnosed with type one diabetes and i was so mad at the world and we had a project to write a short story and mine was about a girl who was going to die because her blood sugar was so low and she had no food so she stuck her arm up her butt and pulled her pancreas out and whispered “who needs pancreases” right before taking a big bite out of it and that’s how i...
twosidesofthesamepenis:
foolishcaptainkia:
gothamshitty:
kushdrinker:
sweet dreams are made of cheese
who am I to diss a brie
I cheddar the world and the feta cheese
gorgonzola wants to go hunting
gatzzby:
hannahsneakers:
why don’t they have big hyped up award shows for books
i mean
best male/female character
best antagonist
best plot development
best plot twist
come on
#book you threw across the room the hardest
vvorldwideweb:
i hate when people think youre lying just because you laugh
I’m gonna look like such a cow at prom I’m crying
justpiercetheveilalready:
i love the feeling of listening to new music and you really like it from the first listen and you just
dude
rampaigehalseyface:
seababe:
You really only understand how drunk you are when you’re peeing
rneerkat:
a canoe and a kayak fall in love: it is a forbidden rowmance
It’s only 715 and I already can’t deal with people
If my golf match doesn’t get cancelled today I’m not gonna be pleasant to deal with
When people get something horribly wrong about...
whatdiabetesshouldcallme:
“So, if you pass out one day, do I have to inject you with insulin?”
prbuick11:
creepingmonsterism:
Plot twist: Disney buys Tumblr.
Disneys new princess is a blogger
unfollower:
i automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive
zaymmaliks:
SOMETIMES I WANNA BE A WHORE AND DO DRUGS JUST TO SHOW MY MOM HOW MUCH WORSE IT CAN BE THAN JUST LEAVING MY DIRTY SOCKS ON THE FLOOR
